There are some things in this world that should be absolutely impossible to fuck up. I can think of an entire list of these things:
- Microwave Popcorn- Especially since most microwaves now come equipped with a popcorn setting.
- A cactus- These bitches can live without water in a dessert.
- Do It Yourself Projects
- Brown and Serve Rolls
- Anything that says “Just add water”.
- A one night stand
- A friends with benefits arrangement
Seems like a legit list, right? Somehow I have managed to fuck up pretty much every single item on the list.
One Night Stand^2
From my junior year of high school and all through college, I dated the same guy. I was the girl that followed the rules and seemed to do everything right. Straight A student, cheerleader, President of FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America), high school sweetheart, sorority girl, college graduate, etc. Everyone thought I was a goodie two shoes. In fact, my closest friends had to suggest playing the game Never Have I Ever to even see if I was having sex. I had a boyfriend of five and a half years, but I was very discreet and never talked about it.
Me and the high school sweetheart had a shitty relationship. In my eyes, it had been over for two years, but I was unsure and too scared to end things. Then he left me on the side of the road when my car was broken down.* This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was just the push that I needed. After this, all hell broke loose. I didn’t end the relationship right away. One of my coworkers, The Kid, moved in and took advantage of my vulnerable state. Actually, there had been sexual tension between us the entire two and a half years we worked together. A few too many after work margaritas led me to cheat on my high school sweetheart. After a few weeks, my boyfriend received an email informing him of my adultery.
Dear Author of Said Email,
Thank you! A very troubled relationship ended that night.
Sincerely,
Single Girl
I continued to see The Kid for six months until he got way too clingy. He meant more to me than a rebound…more like a stepping stone. These details are not all that important. Just know that at that point, I was a do-gooder that didn’t cuss (much), drink beer, sleep around, talk about sex, etc.
On January 20, 2007, one of my best friends (Saverge) got married. I was one of her bridesmaids. I decided to attend the wedding solo. Mainly because four out of five groomsmen were single and in the marines. Jackpot…cha ching!!! The night before the wedding, Tits McGee (one of the other bridesmaids) and I bonded with the groomsmen over a game of beer pong. I remember telling Tits McGee that I didn’t like beer. She said, “well tonight you do. Suck it up because we are playing with them. And whatever you do…don’t tell Saverge.”
We stayed up until around 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. The next day was filled with bridesmaid duties and wedding activities. After the ceremony, we pile into a limo to head to the reception and the beer drinking begins. During the reception, the beer is flowing and everyone is having a great time. At some point we build a beer pyramid…definitely were throwing down. A lightbulb goes off and I decide it was time for me to sew a wild oat. I wanted to have a one night stand with one of the marine hotties. The plan couldn’t have been more perfect.
Drunk Bridesmaid + Drunk/Hot/Marine Groomsman + Alcohol + Hotel Room + Stationed out of State = Perfect One Night Stand Setup
The next step was to decide which marine I was going to have my way with. I could draw a name out of a hat…no time for that. Eenie, meenie, miney, mo…too obvious. I decided to pick the one that gave me the most attention. Ding, ding, ding…we have a winner. Memphis was the lucky one and he was definitely in for a treat tonight. He was exactly my type…tall, tan skin, dark hair, clean cut with a wild streak, muscular, fit, ridiculously good looking. He was also all tatted up including a tattoo of the word Memphis above his navel in large letters. Oh boy! The stars were aligned tonight!
We arrived back at the hotel. I decided to go change out of the bridesmaid dress and into lounge attire. I met Memphis back at his room. He was definitely a wise choice for what I was wanting. Well endowed, nice hair, good kisser. We did the deed so many times that he ran out of his own stash of condoms and had to borrow some from a groomsman that was less fortunate for the evening. Well done Memphis…you deserve a medal for that performance. He gave me a bar from his uniform…we will refer to it as my trophy/participation ribbon.
I woke up from a haze. Too much booze + not enough sleep + too many sexual acts = a rough walk of shame to my own hotel room down the hall. At least I had changed into lounge wear the night before. One poor bridesmaid had to do the walk of shame to the home of the bride’s parents in her bridesmaid dress. Yikes.
I leave the hotel that day thinking this was the last time that I would see Memphis. I mean isn’t that the definition of a one night stand. I was wrong! At some point, I must have given him my phone number. Or he found me on Facebook. The exact details of this are fuzzy. Regardless of the details, the guy that was meant to be a one night stand was contacting me. How in the hell did I fuck up that plan?! Isn’t this every man’s dream?! A no strings attached hookup with a bridesmaid. No expectations, no money spent on impressive dates, a sure thing in the sack! The answer to that question (or so I thought) was yes. There is a movie about it for crying out loud. Wedding Crashers ring a bell?
Memphis must have gotten a taste of something that he liked because he came back for seconds. This time he wanted to take me on a date. Cart before the horse, I know. He even drove over an hour to where I lived. We went out to a local, unique pizzeria. For those that know me, I am a big foodie. I live in a town not meant for a foodie, so the pizzeria was the best option. Memphis and I decided to share a pizza. I couldn’t really argue since he was paying. Memphis vetoed all of my suggestions on pizza toppings. This dude was not budging. It was pepperoni or cheese…the end! Dinner conversation (the little that we had) was mediocre. Most of the night was filled with awkward silence. It reached a point where all I could think about was getting him into my bed. I knew he was good at that and it would be more exciting than this dinner disaster.
Memphis left the next day with very little sleep. I gave the poor guy a lasting memory. We remained in contact for awhile. He even sent me packages in the mail. Don’t get me wrong, I was very flattered, but this was not my intention at all. He did boost my confidence and convinced me that I must have a vagina made of gold.
Friends With Very Little Benefits
This story started roughly six and a half years ago. A story you readers should know by now. Refer to the blog Boomerang Men. Yes, you guessed it…Commander and Chief (Douche) has made a reappearance. I know I seem crazy for even giving him a second of my time, but desperate times call for desperate measures. By desperate times, I mean ~ 5-6 months of celibacy. That is enough to drive a sane person crazy. You are also probably thinking, “Are there seriously no other men you could use as your Friend With Benefits?” Well…yes, but Commander and Chief (Douche) is hot, not datable so there is zero percent chance of me getting hurt, and we have already banged years ago so my number doesn’t go up. Logical decision in my eyes.
So I turned 30 in November. I didn’t exactly have a meltdown, but I wouldn’t say that I handled it well either. The day after my birthday, I realized that I had turned 30 and had celebrated my third birthday in a down without birthday sex. WTF?!
When Commander and Chief (Douche)
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